The Problem

For many, well, years, I have wondered what my problem is.  What am I not doing, or what is wrong with me that I haven't been able to find love.  I have read articles, I have went to therapy, I've worked on me.  And I'm not going to lie, I'm a pretty fantastic person. 

Sure, I have my moments.  Moments of insecurity, weakness, self doubt.  All of the above, and then some.  So, the other day, I read another article, stating the same ol' things about finding satisfaction within yourself, being an independent person, and knowing what you want.  Both in life, and a mate.  And for the most part, I feel like I've accomplished this.  And when I would have bad days, and would feel down, I would write it off to that happening to everyone.

Everyone has a weakness.  I've probably known what mine is for a long time, but I haven't changed my behavior accordingly.  I blame my smart phone.  Ok, it probably started before then, but it became much more of an issue when I got a smart phone.  For want of some external satisfaction, I often check my email.  Thinking that I will magically get an email from...anyone.  Or if my phone dinged, I immediately jumped on it.  I constantly wanted and needed to receive email as some form of validation.  Nevermind the fact that half the time when I do get emails, they're crap.  Or they're from facebook telling me that someone else commented on someone else's status.  I would long for a personal email from anyone, but really hoping that it was from someone I really liked.  You know...like that.  And not only do I jump on my phone, I constantly check facebook.  Ok, so the latter is probably more out of boredom than anything else.  In the mornings, the first thing I do is check my email.  At night, if I can't fall asleep immediately, I'll surf through my phone.  Either checking email, or playing around on facebook, or surfing the interwebz. 

Over the past year, I've gotten a teensy bit better.  While on vacation, or on weekends, I'll put my phone down, and I won't look at it for hours.  I'll avoid it, actually.  Not wanting to feel or be connected to the outside world.  Not needing to be connected to the outside world.  I needed a breather from my phone.  But it's so temporary.  I was still checking first thing in the morning, and most often, when my phone dings, I jump on it. 

This stops.  Now. 

This morning, I moved my phone charger across the room.  If I really had a viable option for plugging it in in another room, I would.  But I have an efficiency apartment, and the bathroom probably isn't the smartest place to leave your phone.  Or is it? 

I have to stop looking for external validation from my email.  As history has proven, it only leads to disappointment, and a constant, annoying attachment to your phone.  You annoy other people, and more than anything, I annoy myself. 

So, the rules. 

1) The phone does not sleep next to me at night.  Unless I absolutely need to use it as an alarm.  And even then, it's probably going to be ok across the room. 

2) Unless there is a specific need (ie, I'm waiting on a specific communication that is of some importance) while I am at home, I can set aside a specific time to check my email, but other than that, the phone stays down.

3) Exception to rule #2 is text messages.  I don't text many people, and most of the time it's my mom, or someone that has a specific, more immediate concern.  This, I'm ok with checking, as in the past it has not proven to be a problem. 

4) Work days are going to be harder.  I sit at a computer 8 hours a day, and boredom often sets in.  And it's readily available.  It's going to be harder to regulate it during the day, but it's the attitude behind it that is going to make the most difference.  See below.  

I think this is going to work.  Once I really faced the issue that I have with email, really faced what I was using email as, I was able to look at the issue much more clearly.  Realized that I was using it as external validation, when I need to find validation through myself, not the prospect of someone else emailing me. 

The funny thing is, in the past, when I've been in contact with someone who emails a lot, either in frequency, and I'm saying many times a day, lots of back and forth, it's annoyed me.  When I've continued the pattern, I've annoyed myself.  So it's not like it's the actual content that I need.  It was more like a sudden, very brief, heart palpitation the instant I saw a new email. 

And just explaining all of that, writing it all out, makes me a little frustrated with myself, and...disappointed. 

And we can't have that.  No no.  This girl is positive, and happy, and more than anything else, loves myself.